That's when you crack a 10am beer
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
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