I think I am morally bankrupt
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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