you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.