i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
23 People Have Step Parents That Are Younger Than Them
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
27 People Confess The Worst Jobs They’ve Ever Had
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.