He kissed a someone with a penis
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
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He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
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Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?