ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.