She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
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Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
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Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.