Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Randomize
