what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
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