i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
