they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
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how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
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I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
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