I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
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