I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
