she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
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I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
Also, beer. Big fan.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
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Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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