Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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