if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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