im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
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