last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
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