Have you finally orgasmed yet?
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
