I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
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