Don't make out with my wife yet
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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