I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
I've come to the conclusion, I should prob have at least 20 hr supervision. I would say 24, but I'm guaranteed to pass out for at least 4 hrs a day
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
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