I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
Randomize
