You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
