Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
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