so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Randomize
