If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
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