It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize