In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
I want to walk on stilts...naked
I can text with my tongue
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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