saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
carls jr on main st. japanese tourist taking a dump in the urinal. reading a japanese newspaper and wearing a full suit.
be there in 3 mins
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Randomize
