Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
