Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
last night I used snow as a chaser
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
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