I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Randomize
