Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Randomize
