my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
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