If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
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