Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Randomize
