we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
