your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
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