I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
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