if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
Randomize
