I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
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