just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
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I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!