dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Here’s Everything Coming To Netflix This July
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
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You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants