"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
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