Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
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