Don't make out with my wife yet
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Randomize
