I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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