I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
I'm sobbing to NWA
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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