Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
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