Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Randomize
