glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Randomize
