just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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