What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
Randomize
