mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
Well, she's an atheist who is addicted to the Sims.
Who isn't?
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
