if only i could text you this smell
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Randomize
