I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
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