I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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