I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
She's not a foreskin expert like you
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
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