I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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