Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
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