I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
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