Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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