apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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