I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Randomize
